For Those Struggling With a Pregnancy That Is Incompatible With LIfe.
It never fails, usually after a person finds out what I do it’s followed by, “ oh, you must love your job, looking at babies all day and everyone is so happy”, and for the most part that is true.
But there are times that I don’t talk about.
Like, the time I had to tell a woman at 36 weeks, so close to holding her baby, that it had passed away inside her.
Or the woman that after a long bout of IVF, became pregnant with twins. She lost one of the twins, and we were closely monitoring her. I was a student, and I remember trying to image what I needed for adequate diagnosis without her knowing what had happened, all while she was watching me scan live on the TV in front of her. The heart of her remaining child well into her 2nd trimester- was slowing in front of my eyes, until it had also stopped.
That was my first demise. I remember the moments I had to take after that. I remember crying for that woman, grieving for that woman. I remember questioning if I could even do this job.
That was 15 years ago, and there has been many more since. My experience in obstetrics, and then high risk maternal fetal medicine had introduced me to all kinds of pregnancy experiences that woman and expecting families never thought they would encounter when that stick turned blue and they thought their dreams had come true.
Trisomy 18, Anencephaly, Trisomy 13, Potter’s Syndrome, Skeletal Dysplasias, Holoprosencephaly are some of the conditions that can be incompatible with life, meaning the child will die shortly after birth if not before in the womb. . Whether they find out during their 20 week anatomy scan, or genetic testing- these babies get a lot of ultrasounds. And in many cases, the only connection or opportunity to see their baby… alive.
These ultrasound appointments are different. The medical aspect of the ultrasounds are often fixated on the specific abnormalities- measuring and assessing them. Are they stable? Are they resolving? Are more structures involved? Is intervention needed? This means I might be zoomed in on a structure in the middle of the baby’s brain for 20 minutes. The room is….. quiet. We get the information we need- and we do it all over again in a month.
And all the medical rules still apply, no filming- not too many people. No children. It’s cold, it’s sterile. There is a waiting room full of other patients and the diagnostic imaging and measurements are advanced and difficult when there are abnormalities involved, so all of this is to say that the few moments these families get with their child isn’t really theirs to have.
As a sonographer in the hospital, I am often times terribly limited, in the amount of humanity I can give- which sounds so backwards doesn’t it?
I mean, often times what these families need most is time. Not only to process what is happening, but time to cry, a moment alone or with their partner, or for someone to listen, or get to just sit and watch their baby . Unfortunately time is the one thing I usually don’t have to give. Because there are 10 other mothers in the waiting room and and the doctor has 5 mothers in rooms waiting on news for their baby, reports to type and schedules to keep. I have mastered the seconds and minutes I have to try to show as much respect as I can to these families- but it never feels like enough.
So I am offering a free ultrasound experience to any and all families that are experiencing a pregnancy journey that is incompatible with life. I want to do it for every family I wanted to honor more but couldn’t.
A place free from the medical environment- where you can bring any and all of your family to get to know your baby that is comfortable, warm and private. I want to do the opposite of the medical ultrasound and not focus on what is wrong, but what is right. We will freeze time and just sit and admire all the bits you don’t usually get to see. We can just watch baby move, kick and grimace. We will look at the parts of baby that their diagnosis hasn’t touched- their little toes and hands. Get a feel for their personality, do they love to munch on their hands? Are they a busy bee? Do they have hair? Do they lay with their hands on their face when they sleep like their dad ? Do they have a gap between their toes like mom? Catch a smile. Every family will leave with too many pictures than you know what to do with- digital copy of their images ,short videos clips- and my hope- a greater connection and understanding of their child, and a wonderful memory of a moment they got to have with their child that was their own.
If you are interested in this- just send me an email to ohbabyultrasounds@gmail.com and I will get you scheduled. I will meet you where you are in this journey, and I will do so with grace, respect and dignity
- Meagan